Changing My Stars
Can I really change my stars? I am quite certain this is a standard running question that lives rent free in the back of any Millennial’s mind that has seen Heath Ledger in A Knight’s Tale. And let’s be honest, who hasn’t? As a teen with 3 sisters in the early 2000’s I am not sure we ever turned this movie off. Unless of course we wanted to watch Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You. We did have a dissenter in the group of sisters who was a Freddy Prince Jr. fan, so every once in a while we would turn on She’s All That just to keep the peace. But I digress, back to changing my stars.
It wasn’t that long ago, or maybe it was, that I hit my mid thirties and “woke up”. Apparently a relatively common phenomenon among women, or at least the ones who I have spoken to. One minute I was living in the chaos of trying to find the balance between marriage, motherhood and fitting my personal wants and needs in between whatever gaps of time where left at the end of the day (not many). Before I knew it, my life entered a bit of a maintenance phase. Daily structures and routines were established and careers were in full swing.
For the first time in years I had a moment to breath. This almost felt like an unkindness. It was easier when I didn’t have time to think or notice because when everything is happening all at once there is not time to stop and evaluate. So when I did, everything got quiet, there was a break in the clouds that let the light in just enough to show me the reality of what had occurred as the dust settled. I took a hard look around and realized that I had taken several detours, and quite a few wrong turns.
I can’t help but think Robert Frost would be incredibly disappointed. As a person who prefers to forge her own path, I sure seemed to follow the same one as so many others have before me. Grandmothers, mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts. The ones who smooth the edges, tamp down the trail to make it easier for those who come after, sacrifice herself to the muddy bogs so that she may be used as a stepping stone. And how lucky her loved ones are, how fulfilled she must be to carry out the work that moves generations forward.
No matter the importance of the work, the sacrifice is often great, and only recognized in small increments over time, like water dripping over a stone. You don’t notice yourself eroding away until there is an uncomfortable hollow where your own identity and self fulfillment should be. That was the sacrifice. You told yourself “surely there was never enough of me for all of it”. But is that true? Does it matter now? It’s at this point that you start to realize that a mere pivot won’t do. There has been too much lost, and a remaining lifetime at stake. You must change your stars.
That’s why I am here. I am grateful for what was and am more than ready for what will be. This time around I am armed with knowledge earned over a 35 ish (+ a few) year lifetime and lessons that go deep. Not long from now I hope to look in the mirror and say, “There she is, I've missed you babe”.
Let the work begin
